The Measure of A Man

A good profile requires a few elements to my mind, whether it’s facebook or anywhere else 

1 - A picture. I wouldn’t talk to anyone without a picture, so why should they? As reluctant as I am to reveal personal information, I think some context is required to this blog so that you understand that I am not a fatty, or physically deformed or really particularly remarkable looking at all, so here you go.

  There is a reason it's cut off at the waist.

2 – Information people can identify with. I think it's better not to have a list of favourite music if that list only contains your favourite three Bavarian oompah bands. So my list of music is massive and contains something from pretty much every genre. It currently reads as follows:

Muse Prince David Bowie Jamiroquai Megadeth Yeah Yeah Yeahs Janelle Monae The Blues Brothers Public Enemy Free Portishead Florence and the Machine Primal Scream Kings Of Leon Mastodon Tom Lehrer Alkaline Trio Chase N Status Wagner Fleet Foxes Dinosaur Jr. Pink Floyd Coheed and Cambria Gilbert and Sullivan Oasis Guns N' Roses Film soundtracks Savage Garden The Rolling Stones MGMT The Prodigy The Who The Smashing Pumpkins

If I see something I really like on someone else’s profile I add it to mine. I don’t think there’s anything dishonest about this, it’s just stuff I’ve forgotten about. My films and books are on similar lines.

3 – Something easy to respond to. I think it’s really difficult to come up with something to say in your first message. You can’t really ask them what music they like when they’ve already listed it. I added the following in my X section.

I once killed a bear with my bear hands. That's why I call them that. Ask him, he'll tell you.

It’s a silly little touch, but I think people like that, and even the least imaginative person should be able to say “how do you ask him if he’s dead” or “bears can’t talk” if they can’t think of anything else to start with.

4 – Basic information. (skip if you like) Briefly, I put my height as 5’9 (one more inch than I actually am, but I figure everyone lies here and this is a small enough deviation that most people won’t pick up on it), I put I was vegetarian (because i am, there seem to be a lot of others, and i think the “ping” you get on meeting another outweighs the slight inconvenience with everyone else). After great debate i put myself as a non-smoker. Again, admitting to my 2 cigarettes a week could mean a “ping,” with some, but there are a lot of people out there who hold you in revulsion if you’ve ever even held a cigarette, and i am effectively a non-smoker when around other non-smokers. I decided I’d admit to my decent salary because there are surely not many people who would regard that as showboating.

Eventually I was happy that my profile was welcoming, full of things to latch on to, proved I was fairly normal (not creepy? surely?), and didn’t look self-consciously thorough (there are quite a few largely filler sections I didn’t bother with).

Whilst I was here I quickly did my first search of people nearby. Interestingly OKCupid tells you how often people reply to messages. Depressingly, at least 50% of girls reply “very selectively,” but I quickly found someone who hadn’t had any messages for a whole week. Meet Subject001.

A young girl was found brutally murdered...

I could see why people hadn’t gone crazy about her, but once I’d thought about it for a while I thought she was actually quite pretty. She wasn’t fat or too tall, she was a vegetarian. Most interestingly, she had recently moved to my nearby home town, while I had moved to hers. Coincidence? It seemed like a good place to start. I sent the following message.

Me: Hi, you seem interesting. I'm from THERE originally; maybe I could show you around? 

Her: And I just moved from HERE to THERE. Coincidence? Yes.

I think THERE is easier than HERE- it is small and full of tourists so no-one can tell that you have no idea what you're doing, which is fortunate for me!

Oh, also you have excellent hair. U imagine you have many strangers try to subtly twang it... maybe it's just me that does that... I promise I'm not as much of an internet nutter as I currently sound.

X 

Well, in that case you probably have a lot more to tell me then I could tell you. York is very pretty manageable but it can feel a little like going back to your primary school.

And it's not just you. There are some people who treat me like a ball of yarn.

I think everyone sounds slightly crazy when you look at their typing for too long.

This might sound a little forward, but given my predicament you are already one of my best friends from here. I'm away tomorrow until tuesday but if you're free sometime after I'd really love to discover some places other than the supermarket.

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